“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
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