Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
I only have ice for you!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
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