I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
I think we need to become better strangers.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
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