If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
I love you deerly.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Go to BabaMail
