Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
I really caribou-t you.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
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