What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
How rude-olf of you.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
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