What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Nice life preservers.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
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