What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
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