Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Rudder valve reversals
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
"On cloud wine."
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
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