“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I’m soy
into you.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
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