What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!

You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.

Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case

What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green

“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer

Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi

Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.

Girls just wanna have sun!

You are spud-tacular.

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!

What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.

[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein

Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.

When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."

- Victor Borge

When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti

A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"

The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.

Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.

How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.

How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Can’t pinch this.

Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.

What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.

Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!

What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.