What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
"There's no bunny like you."
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Biology - It grows on you.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
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