It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
I love you deerly.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Belize let me hold you.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
"I wood never leaf you."
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
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