Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Your fragrance lights up my life.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
The best stretches are partner stretches.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
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