Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous

Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!

"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)

Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”

- Lane Olinghouse.

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.

When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.

“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks

What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson

My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"

What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.

Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.

Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.

Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.

"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.

I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.

When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.

"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon

What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.

Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

You better beer-live it!

Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady

Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.

Man is Fatally Slain.

The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.

What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.

According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?

"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar

What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a