I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
It’s worth a shot.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
I'm snow bored.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Baby you make my telescope expand.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Beer-lieve it or not!
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
I love your energy.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Hold on for deer life.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
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