What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
One more thyme.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
"Let's have some skele-fun."
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
I only have ice for you!
I beacha miss summer already!
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Fir sure.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
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