I would love to show you first class.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
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