I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
You should see what I can do with ice.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
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