What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.

What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.

You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!

Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!

Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.

What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?

Long time, no sea.

What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.

What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.

What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.

“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale

What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.

Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.

A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.

I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea

How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."

I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.

A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!

"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott

If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.

What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.

When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."

Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!

Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

Your bible would look great on my nightstand.

Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!

Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!

What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?

I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell

My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.

What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.

I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.

What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.

The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.

If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown

It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.