Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
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