Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
"Time wounds all heels."
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
You're quite the catch, baby.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
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