Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
The snuggle is real.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
It’s snow joke.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
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