Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!

Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.

If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.

Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.

You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.

Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.

What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.

What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.

How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.

What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!

Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!

Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.

When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Everybody romaine calm.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!

What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.

I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!

I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.

I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

- Phyllis Diller.

Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.

“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”

What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.

What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick

I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy

Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.

Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.