What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.

I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

You are my raisin to smile.

In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!

What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.

"You can't sip with us."

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown

What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.

What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!

“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?

“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown

Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.

What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?

He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."

I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.

Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."

I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."

Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.

At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners

Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.

That crazy little sun of a beach.

As it snow happens.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.

What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.

You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!

How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.

What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store

Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?

Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!

"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."

What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.

Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.

"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."

- Ralphie May