Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
I give roughing a whole new definition.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
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