Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
I think you’re dandelion.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
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