I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
We've reached the point of snow return.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
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