Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Car puns are really tiring
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
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