Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Can I Alp you?
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
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