What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Yoda one for me!
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Long thyme no see.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
We've reached the point of snow return.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
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