What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
I loaf you.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
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