What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
"Time wounds all heels."
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Look for a rainbow connection.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Are you squiding me right now?
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Know what? I dig you, really!
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
We’re a perfect mash.
I Ecuador you.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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