Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
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