What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Permission to board?
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
"Just one hot chick."
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
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