"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
I’ll never fir-get.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
Football is one habit I will never kick
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
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