Want to see the real coming attraction?
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
I cannoli have eyes for you.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
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