What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I only have ice for you.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
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