Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
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