Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
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