I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Get clover it, babe.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
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