What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
"I need to re-wine my life."
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
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