I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.

You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.

What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.

What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.

What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."

Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.

Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced

Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.

Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling

Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.

I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.

My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!

You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws

"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.

I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.

‪My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
‪He says it’s his passion‬.

“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous

“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered

I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.

Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi

Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.

Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.

What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.

Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.

Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?

Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!

What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.