"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Leaf me alone.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
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