When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.

Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.

“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”

Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice

Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.

“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.

"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch

“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.

What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.

On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!

When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.

I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…

Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.

What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan

What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.

Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault

Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"

Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.

Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.

It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.

“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler

Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.

What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.

What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?

The trailer.

I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.

The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather

What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey

We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.

My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.

What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.