What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
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