What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
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