What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
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