What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
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