What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
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