What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
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