Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
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