60 Hot Coffee Puns!

Enjoy 60 piping hot coffee puns that will add a lot of funny 'sugar' to your bitter day...

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.