Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind." The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment. Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!" Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!" Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside. The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!" "Crap!" Jerry exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing. The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."

A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after smearing goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP! Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. Eight more times he tried it, and eight more times the miracle occurred. Excitedly, he ran to the rabbi and told him. The rabbi, stubborn and skeptical, refused to believe such nonsense. “Show me,” he demanded. The shlemiel dropped the bread once, twice, a dozen times, and each time it landed goosefat side up. The rabbi scowled. He stroked his beard, paced the room, and shook his head. After hours of watching, he finally declared: “This is no miracle. The explanation is simple.” The villagers asked, “Rabbi, how can that be? We all saw it!” The rabbi replied, “The boy, being a shlemiel, smeared the goosefat on the wrong side of the bread!"

A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days - and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient. He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally. Most of the staff had just about had it with him... except the head nurse. She’d seen it all - and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense. One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.” He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor. “Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.” More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside. She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move - I’ll be right back.” Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open. People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation. Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked. “What on earth is going on here?” he asked. The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!” The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said… “Sure… just never with a ballpoint pen.”

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

A farmer hires a new hand. He looks a little slow, but strong as an ox. He tells him "Toss these hay bales in the tractor", and he does, no problem. He tells him "Put these fence posts into the dirt", and he mallets them in faster than the farmer ever had. He then trusted the young man enough to take care of the toughest task on the farm. "Hold down the cow and insert this suppository. It's for Mad Cow disease." and hands him a pill the size of a red bull can. 10 minutes later, looking worn out and wobbly on his feet, the farmhand returns. "Haha Did Ol Bess put up a fight?", asked the farmer with a grin. "No...'", the young man said, concernedly, "...she just stared at me like I was crazy. But that pill hurt like the dickens!"

Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner's, looking somewhat sheepish. "I'm really sorry to bother you with this," he says, "but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?" The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look. Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes. Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face. "You won't believe it," says the dry cleaner, "but I have good news for you!" "Oh my goodness!" says the fellow. "You mean you actually found it?" "Yep!" Said the dry cleaner proudly: "It'll be ready next Tuesday!"