We all want to develop relationships with our children in which they feel safe to share their feelings with us, but sometimes it’s hard for them to open up. Children usually don’t share what’s going on with them just because we ask; they need emotional security to do so. So, how do we build that sense of security in them? It starts by ensuring our children feel heard without being judged and know that when they choose to share, they’ll receive support. This isn’t a change that happens overnight, but we’ll now explain how to understand if your children are indeed hiding their true feelings and what you can do right now to help them gradually open up to you.
9 Signs That Indicate Your Children Are Hiding Their Feelings
So, how do you know if your children don’t feel safe revealing their inner world, feelings, and emotions to you? They might give one-word answers, get stressed when you ask questions, share only minor or superficial details about their lives, or you might hear about your child’s situation from someone else, like their teacher.
To make it clearer, there are several specific signs that can appear in any of these situations, which can be categorized into more obvious and less obvious signs.
The Obvious Signs:
These are signs that won’t be hard for you to notice, and you’re likely already aware of them if you’re reading this:
1. Refusal to communicate
2. Ignoring
3. Lying
4. Avoiding eye contact
5. Using humor or trying to change the subject
6. Attempting to appear indifferent about topics that should evoke emotions
The Less Obvious Signs:
Not all signs of emotional avoidance look like those described earlier; in fact, some are the exact opposite, and some children may respond in the following ways:
7. Excessive complaining
8. Perfectionism
9. High eagerness to please parents
Why Might Children Feel Emotionally Insecure Around Their Parents?
It’s natural to wonder why your children hide details about their lives or feelings and where this comes from, and the truth is, there are answers to these questions. For example, it could stem from a pattern you established with your children when they were young. Even at a young age, they learn to recognize whether their parents respond to their feelings with curiosity or an attempt to fix them. If they feel vulnerable, criticized, or punished, they may unconsciously decide it’s better to keep their feelings inside.
Usually, children hesitate to share their feelings because they fear their parents’ reactions, whether it’s punishment, dismissal, or misunderstanding. This can happen even if you offer advice too quickly or try to solve the problem without delving into it. Some children also lack the emotional vocabulary to express their feelings in a way that helps parents understand them.
How to Encourage Children to Open Up and Share Their Feelings?
First, look inward and ask yourself: “Do I know how to regulate my own emotions?” Sometimes, our reaction to what our child says is so intense that it leaves them no choice but to avoid sharing. So, before approaching your children with questions, ensure your tone, posture, and even breathing rate are natural. Now ask yourself: “Am I calm enough to hear what my child has to say without judging or panicking?”
After grounding yourself, use the following tips to help your children open up to you:
Talk about these topics at set times, like a tradition, such as during car rides to school, before bedtime, etc.
Give space to your children’s feelings and allow them to express them without pressuring them to open up too much.
Consider saying things like, “You don’t have to talk about it now. I just want you to know I’m here if you want to talk, whenever you’re ready.”
Help your children name their feelings, identify them and connect with them, according to their age.
Validate your children’s feelings without judging them, for example, with phrases like, “That sounds really frustrating” or “I’d be sad too if that happened to me.”
Take responsibility for your mistakes; if you’ve reacted poorly in the past and created an environment where your child doesn’t feel safe sharing their feelings, correct it by saying something like: “I realize I sometimes try to help too quickly without listening fully” or “I understand I sometimes panic when I hear you’re upset,” and follow with, “But I want to improve.”
When Should You Seek Professional Help?
Remember that you don’t have to go through this process alone, and if needed, you can always consult a child psychologist to help you address this issue or assist your children in dealing with the emotions and challenges they’re facing. If your child shows signs of anxiety or depression, or seems emotionally detached in situations where you’d expect them to express certain feelings, consider reaching out to a psychologist. A third party can not only help your children open up and talk about their feelings but also guide you in understanding how to handle the situation, resolve it, and approach it correctly.
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