7 Questions That'll Help You Get to Know a Child

Edited By: Shai K.

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Children, unlike adults, don’t always know how to express their emotions and thoughts directly, and sometimes the best way to understand their inner world is through open conversations and focused questions. The right questions can open a window into what’s happening in their minds, revealing their fears, hopes, and emotional needs that often remain hidden. Here are 7 such questions that can help you as parents better understand your children, identify possible issues, and strengthen the bond between you. Your children’s answers might surprise you and provide valuable insights into how they perceive themselves, the world around them, and their relationship with you. If you discover a troubling response, we’ll explain what you should do and how to adjust your parenting and behavior patterns to address it.

1. "Why do you like yourself?"

This question can show you your children’s level of self-confidence. If your child says something like "I’m smart" or "I’m the fastest in the world," it indicates they’re aware of their strengths and confident in themselves. On the other hand, if they respond with something like "I don’t know" or "I don’t like myself," it points to a specific issue you need to help them resolve.

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a boy dressed as a superhero next to a girl raising her arms to the sides

What should you do?

Children learn to love themselves through us. If you criticize them too much, eventually your voice becomes the one in their head, and they become their own critics. Remind them of their good qualities and what they’re good at, and also demonstrate what self-love looks like. For example, you could say in front of them, "I’m proud of myself for cleaning the house today," so they too can learn to be proud of themselves when they do important, good, and successful things. You can also click here to discover important tips for building self-confidence in children.

2. "When you feel bad, like when someone insults you, what do you do?"

This question can reveal whether your children feel they have support and, more generally, whether they feel secure in life. The best answer you could hear is "I go to Dad/Mom" – whether for help or support. An answer you’d less want to hear is something like "I lock myself in my room" or "I want to be alone," because it shows they don’t have anyone to lean on emotionally.

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a mom talking to a boy versus a girl sitting alone

What should you do?

Make it clear to your children that they can always come to you for support and help, even if it’s something they’re afraid you’ll get upset about, like if they broke something or failed a test. Remind yourselves, too, that before lecturing or criticizing, you need to support your children’s emotions. If that’s hard for you, you can click here to learn how. Still, if your child withdraws into themselves, don’t interrogate them too much – just be around. If they feel safe with you, they’ll come to you on their own when they’re ready.

3. "If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?"

This question uncovers your children’s deepest fears and dreams. Answers like "I’d want to learn to fly" or "I’d want to eat only ice cream all the time" are great – your children’s dreams should be simple and innocent. On the other hand, an answer like "I’d want to love myself" or "I’d want Mom and Dad not to fight" indicates there’s already a problem.

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a boy flying a plane versus a girl covering her ears

What should you do?

If your child isn’t dreaming of good things but rather of feelings like self-acceptance or being accepted by others, it shows that’s something they’re deeply missing in their life. You need to show them that you love and accept them as they are, and you can start with these sentences here.

4. "What’s missing for you to be happier?"

This question reveals what’s most important to your children, and here too, the best answers are the most innocent ones, like "a new toy," "ice cream," or "a car." Less desirable answers are things like "that no one yells at me," "that no one gets mad at me," or "that I’m not punished."

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a girl eating ice cream versus a boy standing with his face to the wall

What should you do?

If your child needs "peace" rather than gifts, it means they’re experiencing a lot of stress. Here’s a rule to help you reduce the pressure you put on them – the 10-second rule. Before you yell or criticize, pause for 10 seconds and think: Does my child need a lesson/punishment right now, or do they need support instead? In situations where your child is upset or sad, the second option is usually the right one. You can click here to learn more tips to help you stop yelling at your children.

5. "What makes you the saddest?"

This question can reveal things your children are experiencing that they might not be telling you about. If the answer is "when I fight with a friend" or "when I can’t go play outside and it’s boring at home," that’s perfectly fine – those are typically the troubles kids have. But if the answer is "when you yell at me" or "when I’m punished," it means your child is experiencing those things too much, to the point where it’s very hard for them to cope.

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a bored boy versus a boy being punished

What should you do?

Your children don’t necessarily remember the words you say to them, but the feelings you create in them. If they’re afraid of your anger, they’ll develop anxiety about your reactions. You need to change your approach, punish less, and have more conversations about the things that matter to you. You can click here to learn how to raise children without punishments or threats.

6. "What’s the best thing about you?"

This question will reveal your children’s level of self-confidence. Answers like "I’m fast!", "I’m smart!", "I’m kind!", or "I’m strong!" are excellent, but an answer like "I don’t know" or "I’m like everyone else" suggests your child lacks self-esteem.

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a girl raising her finger versus a girl who doesn’t know the answer to a question

What should you do?

If your children don’t see anything special in themselves, it means you haven’t taught them enough about recognizing their own qualities. Here’s a game you can play together to help them – every evening before bed, each person shares one thing they’re good at. Start with yourself and say something about you, then it’s your child’s turn to share something about themselves. You can also click here to discover 8 wonderful methods teachers use to empower children.

7. "If you met a wizard or a fairy – what would you wish for?"

This question will reveal your children’s dreams. Here too, like most of the questions, the answer should be innocent – "that I’d have superpowers" or "that I’d have tons of candy." But if the answer is something like "that my parents would love me" or "that I’d be someone else," that’s not a very good sign.

Questions that can reveal children’s happiness levels: a girl eating cotton candy versus a sad girl

What should you do?

Dreams should be about things that bring us joy, not basic needs we all require, like love. In fact, you can’t get love just by wishing for it, and your role as parents is to give your children unconditional love. Every child has their own love language that you need to learn to speak, and you can click here to find out how to identify your child’s love language type and how they need you to show them love.