First of all – let’s talk about why children whine
It’s very important to emphasize that crying is not whining. We’re not talking here about crying that stems from the pain of an injury, for example, which only requires a hug and a kiss where it hurts, but about whining that comes from an unfulfilled desire. This might seem to some of you like a kind of manipulation on the child’s part, but it’s important to remember that your children are not trying to “annoy” you, nor are they spoiled. This is simply their automatic response from when they were babies and needed to signal to you that they wanted to sleep, something was bothering them, they were hungry, and so on.
Even though children at age 4, for example, already have improving speech abilities every day, they still often lack the complete vocabulary to help them express and describe their emotions, so crying is the easiest thing they can do to show they’re in some kind of distress.
What not to do when children whine?
Your children have learned that their crying gets attention, whether it’s because they’re hungry or because they don’t want to sit in their car seat. “The more a child strives for independence, the more they’ll tend to this kind of crying, because crying makes them feel like they have power,” says Dr. Caroline Crowder, a psychologist and author who has written books on tantrums and whining in children.
“If you can’t stand the whining and can’t cope with it, the child will simply repeat it more and more, simply because it gets a response from you,” says Dr. Jane Nelsen, a family counselor and child therapist. Even yelling can increase the frequency of this behavior, because it doesn’t matter if the response is positive or negative. “Children just want to see a reaction, and when they don’t know how to get a positive reaction, they’ll prefer a negative one,” explains Dr. Nelsen. Of course, a positive response, like giving in to their demands, doesn’t help either. It might calm the crying for now, but it will encourage this behavior, and the problem will keep recurring.
5 ways to deal with children’s whining
Fortunately, it’s possible to stop this behavior pattern by encouraging children to develop as individuals instead of punishing them. “When you stop feeling frustrated by the whining, your child will also stop this behavior,” says Dr. Nelsen. At first, this approach might seem impossible or unrealistic to you, and it really won’t be easy, but you need to be consistent and practice self-control – this is exactly what you expect from your child. It might take a few weeks, and during that time, this is what you need to do when your child whines:
1. Don’t let the whining bother you
Choose a calm moment and place to tell your child the new rule: if they whine, you won’t respond. From now on, whenever your child whines, maintain a neutral facial expression. Calmly remind your child that you’re there to listen and help if they speak in their normal voice. If you find it hard to stay calm, you can use the tips here.
2. Make sure your child knows what it means to “ask nicely”
This might surprise you, but your child may not even realize that their whining is not the right way to ask for things. The best way to explain this is to record their whining and also the moments when they ask for things in a calm and pleasant voice, and play these recordings back to them so they can hear the difference (use this only for this purpose – not to make them feel bad about themselves). You can also teach your child to use specific words to describe what they’re feeling, such as “I’m hungry,” “I’m tired,” “I’m bored,” “I’m sad,” and so on.
3. Anticipate the whining and remind your child what’s expected of them
There’s no need to wait for the whining to happen to deal with it. Try to notice patterns in your child’s behavior that indicate moments when they might whine, and talk about them in advance, before they occur. For example, if your child tends to whine in a store because you don’t buy them something they want, remind them before you enter that whining won’t be acceptable. To emphasize this point further, ask your child to repeat the reminder themselves, for example, “What’s the rule when we go into the store?”
4. Praise your child when they deserve it
As parents, we tend to comment on our children’s unacceptable behavior more than we praise them for good and appropriate behavior. For example, you might often say, “That’s not a nice way to ask for things,” but not enough, “Thank you for asking me nicely.” You need to praise more when your child truly deserves it, and at first, it might feel a bit strange, but you’ll see that over time, this will significantly reduce whining.
5. Don’t give up on this approach
According to Dr. Nelsen, many parents say, “Okay, I tried this, and it didn’t work,” but try to think for a moment about changing your own habits – it doesn’t happen overnight, right? Consistency is key! You’ll notice a real change only after about a month, but for some children, it might take even longer. Remember that raising and educating children is a marathon, not a sprint. It might take some time, but it will be worth it.
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