How do you know which of you is the child’s emotional well?
Beyond the problematic behavior that only occurs with you, the simplest way to identify the parent who serves as the emotional well for the child is to ask yourself – when you enter the house, does the child run to you with a hug and call out “Mom!” or “Dad!”? If this tends to happen with only one of you, it means that person is the one the child sees as their emotional well.
Unfortunately, as humans, we often allow ourselves to be “tougher” with the people we feel most open with, and this is true not only for children but also for adults. Therefore, if your child behaves better with you (meaning you are not their emotional well), it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing a better job with them or that you’re stricter. What it might indicate is that you’re not meeting your child’s emotional needs, which means this responsibility falls entirely on your partner.
Why do children behave less nicely specifically with you?
So, if you’ve realized that you are indeed the emotional well, the question now is – why do your children allow themselves to behave poorly specifically when they’re with you? Why do you have to be the one dealing with their less tolerable behavior? It’s indeed frustrating, but there’s a psychological reason for it.
Dr. Zishan Khan, a clinical psychologist who treats children and adolescents, explains it this way: “Children tend to show the full range of their emotions with the people they feel safest with because they trust that these people will love them unconditionally, no matter how they behave, and those parents serve as their emotional regulators.”
The key term here is emotional regulation, because your children aren’t really “disruptive” – it’s only around age 5 that they begin to learn how to regulate their emotions on their own. “That’s why they ‘release’ their stress, frustration, and anxieties on the parent they’re more emotionally connected to,” Khan explains. “This isn’t a sign that something is wrong – it’s just a sign of a strong bond between the child and the parent.” In other words, it’s not a problem or a failure – it’s a compliment and a natural process. You’re fulfilling a role that the child isn’t yet fully capable of handling on their own.
How can you ease the burden on the parent the child is difficult with?
Remember that you, as parents, need to work as a team, and when one of you is struggling more, the other can help in many ways to reduce the burden. So here are some tips for the parent who finds it easier with the child to help ease the load on the parent who finds it harder:
1. Take responsibility for the child’s emotional care
Both parents need to take responsibility for their role as educators and be dynamic. Think together about what each of you needs to do better, and in this case, it’s likely that the parent who finds it easier with the child needs to be more emotionally involved. You can start with this guide, and in general, make sure to be there for them when they’re sad, frustrated, or angry, not just when they’re laughing, smiling, or having fun.
2. Be a united team with a shared goal
Don’t place blame on the other parent when the child suddenly starts behaving less nicely in their presence. As we’ve already mentioned, there’s a reason for this, and it’s not due to any fault but rather the opposite – it’s a positive and important thing. Focus on your shared goal as a team, and if it seems that the mom or dad who serves as the child’s emotional well is struggling to handle the child’s emotions or behavior at that moment, be there to help, not to blame.
3. Spend more quality time with the child
One way to ease the burden on the parent who serves as the emotional well is by dedicating more one-on-one quality time with the child, especially when the other parent is around. During this time, put away your phones and base the interaction on activities the child enjoys, not just what you enjoy. This will help the child connect with you more emotionally and give the other parent, who is likely spending more time caring for the child in the current situation, a bit of a break.
4. Involve the child in the process of change at home
Your children are also part of the family team, and depending on their age, you can explain to them that they can feel safe being themselves with both parents. The parent who isn’t the emotional well needs to take a step forward here and prove it through actions, not just words; when the child behaves in a way at home that would typically get a response from the other parent, they should show presence and support the child and their emotions as well.
5. Enforce boundaries and rules consistently
It doesn’t work if one parent sets a boundary on something and the other parent is lenient about it – that’s not how a team operates. If one parent has decided on certain rules and consequences for breaking them, the child will eventually try to test the boundaries with that parent because that’s how they test the parent and the actual limits. Naturally, this leads to more tantrums with the parent who set those rules, but it happens even more if the other parent tends to allow what the first one doesn’t. Children need to know exactly what’s expected of them and the consequences of their actions, and they learn this from both parents, not just one.
In conclusion
If your child tends to act out and throw tantrums more with you than with your partner, it’s not a bad sign – on the contrary, it’s a sign of trust and that you are their source of emotional regulation. If the situation is reversed and you’re the parent who finds it easier with the child, it means you need to step up and be more involved in their emotional world. What’s truly important is that you work as a team and don’t blame each other for your child’s behavior. Each parent needs to fulfill their role in raising and educating the children, and when you work as a team, it becomes easier for both sides and better for the child.
