Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in.
Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he said.
"How about Viagra?"
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.
"No, I can remember it.."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked.
Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns?"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly man visited the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," said the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," said Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor found Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and told her what her husband had said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she said. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy.
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nah, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?""Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys were out walking.
First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"
The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days afterward, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'''
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur - be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied. "Arthritis."
A couple of elderly men were venting their frustrations about the woes of modern technology.
"I just can't ever seem to remember my darn passwords," grumbled one of them.
The other one smiled. "Oh really? I can never forget mine!"
"How do you manage it?" asked the first guy curiously.
"Well, I simply set all my passwords to 'Incorrect' so that whenever I'm told that my password is incorrect, I'll remember it!"
Two elderly men were sitting beside each other in a barbershop.
One of them said to the other, "Now that you're turning 80, how do you honestly feel?"
"Honestly? Like a newborn baby!"
"Well, I've got no teeth, no hair, and I can't stop wetting myself!"
John's wife woke up one morning feeling completely deflated.
"My word, I feel like my mind has almost completely gone!"
"Are you really surprised?" John asked.
"Why would you say that, John?"
"Because you've been giving me a piece of it every day for fifty years!"
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light."
A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance.
As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past.
"Susan!" the passenger yelled. "Do you know we just ran 3 red lights in a row? We could have been killed!"
"Oh, am I driving?" came the reply.
"Doctor, I think my wife's going deaf. She never answers a single question I ask her."
"Try this," the doctor began. "Stand quite some distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and try again. Keep on doing this until she finally answers, so that we can gauge how serious the problem is."
As soon as he got through his home's front door, the man asked his wife what they were having for supper.
When he didn't hear an answer, he moved forward a couple of feet and asked again. Still no answer.
He keeps on repeating this until he's only mere inches away from her face.
Finally, she said, "FOR THE FIFTEENTH TIME, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN PIE!"
Three senior women were sitting in a cozy diner, having a chat.
The first woman says, "I feel I'm getting really forgetful lately. This morning, I paused in the middle of the staircase, and couldn't remember if I was ascending or descending!"
"That's nothing," said the second woman. "Last week, I was lying on my bed and couldn't remember if I was trying to go to sleep or struggling to get out of bed."
"How unlucky," said the third woman. "My memory's as good as ever, knock on wood!"
She then rapped the wooden table with her knuckles.
"Who's there?!" the third woman cried.
Two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparents' home.
When it was time for bed, the two boys knelt down and began to say some prayers.
Suddenly, the younger brother started yelling at the top of his voice, "I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE! I PRAY FOR A NEW COMPUTER! I PRAY FOR A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!" and so on...
His older brother leaned over and whispered, "There's no need to shout. God isn't deaf."
"I know," said the younger brother. "But Grandma sure is!"
Two older fellows were playing a round of golf on a nice summer's day.
Suddenly, one man told the other, "My word, there seems to be something stuck in your ear."
Surprised, the other man reached up and pulled out a suppository from his earlobe.
"How on Earth did that end up there?" asked the first man.
"I'm not sure," came the reply. "But I'm almost certain I know where I put my hearing aid now!"
An elderly man sees an old friend crying in a bar.
He goes up to him and asks him how everything's going in his life?
"Wonderful," his friend answers. "I just got married to the most desirable woman a man could ever lay his eyes on!"
"So why are you crying, my friend?"
"Because I can't remember where I live!"
An elderly lady decided it was time to get her body in shape, once and for all.
She joined an aerobics class for seniors, and spent a whole hour jumping, twisting, gyrating, and sweating.
Unfortunately, by the time she had gotten her leotard on, the class was over!
A couple of old ladies were having a chat on the nursing home porch.
One says, "Lisa, do you remember the minuet?"
"Who?" says the other. "I can barely remember the ones I slept with!"
Three senior women were having a chat on a park bench, reminiscing about the price and quality of vegetables in the good old days.
The first one demonstrated with her hands the length and width of the cucumbers she used to get for a couple of pennies.
The second one used both of her hands to demonstrate just how large the tomatoes she used to buy were.
The third one, who was hard of hearing, said: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I know exactly who you're on about!"
A Californian winery managed to create a new type of wine by crossing Pinot Blanc with Pinot Grigot.
As a side effect, it reduces the number of times people need to get up to pee during the night.
It is being marketed in retirement homes around the world as Pinot More!
After 70 years of marriage, a man is asked why the secret of a long and successful marriage is.
"It's simple," he replied. "Two nights a week we go to a quiet restaurant and enjoy exquisite food, some candlelight, soft music, and a slow walk home.
"She goes on Wednesdays, and I go on Saturdays."
A 100-year-old woman was being interviewed by a journalist.
"What's the best thing about being a hundred?" he asked.
"No peer pressure," came the reply.
If you found this short senior joke collection hilarious, then make sure to check out these cartoons about seniors!