Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.