Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.