Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.