What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
All stereos are so typical.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.