What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.