When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!