What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.