Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.