Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”