What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.