My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.