How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.