I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw