What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Bad puns are how eye roll.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."